SELF CARE
Why Do I Feel Drained Around Certain People ?
By Riley Rae
Published on January 21, 2026
credits to: Madison Milliken / Dupe
When Nothing Is “Wrong,” but Everything Feels Heavy
Lately, I’ve been noticing something I can’t quite explain at first. I’ll spend time with someone who is perfectly kind, polite, and even thoughtful, and yet I’ll leave the interaction feeling completely drained. Not upset. Not hurt. Just… tired. The kind of tired that seeps into your bones and makes you crave silence instead of conversation. For a long time, I told myself I was overthinking it. After all, they didn’t do anything wrong. But the feeling kept showing up, and eventually, I had to stop ignoring it.
The Confusion of Feeling Exhausted by “Good” People
What makes this so disorienting is that we’re taught to associate emotional exhaustion with conflict. We expect to feel drained by people who are rude, dismissive, or overtly negative. So when the person in front of you is none of those things, it messes with your head. You start questioning yourself instead. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m the problem. I did this for a long time, convincing myself that exhaustion without a clear reason didn’t count. But energy doesn’t always operate on logic, and that realization changed everything for me.
When Being Around Someone Feels Like Low-Key Work
The truth I didn’t want to admit is that some interactions quietly require more effort than others. Even if the conversation is pleasant, you might feel like you’re constantly adjusting—matching their pace, responding in the “right” way, staying engaged when your body is begging you to rest. It’s subtle, which is why it’s easy to dismiss, but your nervous system feels it immediately. You’re not relaxed; you’re performing, even if no one asked you to. Over time, that performance takes a toll, and the exhaustion shows up afterward, not during.
Energy Mismatch Is Real (Even If No One Talks About It)
I used to think chemistry only mattered in romantic relationships, but adulthood has taught me otherwise. Sometimes, your energy and someone else’s just don’t align. You might crave slower, deeper conversations while they thrive on constant stimulation. Or you might value emotional presence while they prefer surface-level connection. No one is wrong in these scenarios, but forcing alignment where it doesn’t exist can feel surprisingly heavy. You walk away feeling depleted, not because the interaction was bad, but because it wasn’t nourishing for who you are now.
The Quiet Role of Unspoken Boundaries
Another realization hit me slowly: exhaustion often shows up where boundaries are missing. I noticed that with certain people, I felt obligated to stay longer, listen harder, or show up even when I didn’t have the capacity. They weren’t demanding these things, but I was demanding them of myself. Instead of saying no or pulling back, I pushed through. And instead of feeling resentment, I felt drained. My energy was paying the price for boundaries I hadn’t learned to honor yet.
Why Your Body Knows Before You Do
What I’ve learned is that your body is usually the first to notice when something isn’t working. The mental justification comes later. You can tell yourself all day that someone is nice, but if your chest tightens around them or you feel the urge to retreat afterward, that’s information worth listening to. For a long time, I ignored those signals because I couldn’t explain them. Now, I understand that clarity doesn’t always come before feeling—it often comes after you finally pay attention.
It’s Not About Cutting People Off, It’s About Tuning In
Feeling drained around someone doesn’t mean they’re toxic or that you need to remove them from your life entirely. Sometimes, it simply means the connection needs more space, different expectations, or less emotional labor. As we grow, our tolerance for misalignment naturally decreases, and that’s not a flaw—it’s awareness. The more I’ve leaned into this understanding, the less guilt I feel about protecting my energy.
Learning to Trust the Feeling Without Needing a Villain
At the end of the day, not every uncomfortable feeling needs a dramatic explanation. Sometimes, there is no bad guy, no offense, no moment you can point to and say, “That’s why.” There’s just a quiet knowing that something doesn’t sit right anymore. And learning to trust that—without blaming yourself or others—has been one of the most grounding lessons of adulthood. Your energy is honest, even when words fall short. Listening to it might be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
